Empty Womb

I haven't posted much about it because I am hopeful. I keep hoping and praying. However, today I feel down. I feel hopeless. I feel like giving up and just laying in bed all night and crying and part of it is because I am starting to get a cold, part of it is because I am completely exhausted from work, and another part of it is I want to scream that it's not fair.

For just over 3 years, I have been trying to have a baby with my intended. I started working to get a diagnosis for why I wasn't getting a period in 2009, and at the time I lost my insurance they saw nothing unusual and everything looked fine. If I was fine, then why didn't I have normal cycles?

Today I am angry. I am angry that there are so many people out there who blink and they're pregnant. I am mad that there are so many kids in our foster care system because their parents didn't want them, or couldn't care for them. And I do plan to adopt and foster kids, but I also want to have my own. I am angry because I overhear women saying how hard it was for them to get pregnant after only a year of "not trying to prevent". And it breaks my heart. Because those women, who say how hard it was haven't had to go through doctor after doctor, thousands upon thousands of dollars, to get a diagnosis and then get on a treatment plan. Those women have normally functioning bodies and while I understand their frustrations, many of them haven't gotten to the point where they are monitoring every little sign of fertility from basal temping to checking cervical mucous to peeing on an ovulation predictor stick everyday hoping with all hope that today will be the day that the color changes.

I am trying really hard not to be angry but it hurts. I read a book Every Drunken Teenager, Why Not Me a few weeks ago and it put things into perspective for me a little bit. Today, however I found out that my progesterone levels are dropping, which is usually indicative of the onset of menstruation, but doesn't necessarily rule out pregnancy, but does not look like it happened this month. Which I kind of expected because around the time I was supposed to ovulate I was pretty stressed out, work was calling every 5 minutes, my mom was in town, and it just wasn't a good "ovulation weekend" as my mother said.

For the past 2 months I have been seeing a wonderful reproductive endocrinologist, and I have been more hopeful and optimistic about this entire thing than I have been since we first started trying. I just feel incredibly let down and hurt.

I feel hurt because I feel like I have no one to talk to about what I'm feeling. My sister had her 2 boys easily. My best friend struggled to have her second, but never had to go to a reproductive endocrinologist.  I feel let down because I was so hopeful and I'm still holding on to a glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe the blood test will come back positive tomorrow, but I know not to be too hopeful.